Existential-Vacuums Have Arrived in Suburbia
(Read as a Home Shopping Network Ad).
The Existential-Vacuums have just arrived. We have them in three colors fire-engine red, death worn yellow, and slug green. Existential vacuums will drain your life. Existential Vacuums focus on empty feelings. They make you want to raid the old liquor cabinet. And hopefully your gun cabinet is locked. Your fears will increase, and you will be haunted by shrubbery. You will be so bored as to take the first train to White Sands, Nevada and be blown away in a terrible nuclear bomb accident. Existential vacuums will take away your instinct that tells you what to do. It pumps out traditions that speak of what ye ought to do. And for your wishes, they have gone away! Order now: supplies going fast.